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Ugh… God damn it.
This is nuts! This is so crazy!
I've got a hard cider and a bag of Crossbone Crunch.
It's a party.
I'm... I'm just so, so thrilled for you, Kate.
To Comet Dibiasky, right? Cheers!
It's gotta be, look… It's gotta be an Oort cloud comet
just based on where you saw it.
Probably the last time it was this close to the Sun
was long before human civilization.
Look at the arc on that thing. God, it's amazing.
How would we find out the comet's velocity in orbit, Professor Mindy?
That is a good question.
This will be fun. I haven't done orbital dynamics since grad school.
Question is, what…
What would Carl Sagan do?
He would take it back to first principles.
The topocentric vector is rho.
Kate, what are the initial coordinates?
Twenty-one.
Twenty-four.
Thirteen.
This is fun, huh, guys?
- Sixty-seven. - Wow. Now you got me pumped.
- Dr. Mindy. - All right…
How many terms do you have to calibrate…
Approximation of coordinates in Marsden, '85.
Now that we have the comet's orbit, we will check the ephemeris
and that will give us the distance between the comet and planet Earth.
Why does the ephemeris keep getting lower and lower?
Professor Mindy?
You know what, guys? Let's…
Let's call it a night, huh?
But what about the relative position?
I can't figure this one out. Not tonight, guys. Sorry.
- Let's hit it, man. I'm beat. - Me too.
- Kate, this was amazing. - Congratulations.
Hey, Kate.
You stay.
Yeah, uh, Dr. Calder,
a Michigan State professor and his grad students...
This is Dr. Calder. You pulled me out of a meeting
where I had to tell my team we lost eight billion in funding.
I am so sorry, Dr. Calder,
but we are seeing some awfully strange orbital numbers
on this comet we just found.
They should be in your inbox, right?
- Is this it? - Yeah. This is it.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let me get Dr. Oglethorpe on the line.
Please hold.
Uh… Uh, I'm on hold.
She's calling a Dr. Oglethorpe. Who is that?
Jesus Christ. I'm gonna put them on speaker.
"Dr. Oglethorpe,
head of the Planetary Defense Coordination Office."
- Is that a real place? - I have no idea.
This is Dr. Oglethorpe.
Yes, this is Jocelyn Calder
from Kennedy Space Center.
Hey, Jocelyn.
Listen, we got a sighting
of an NEO from Subaru telescope.
Okay. Uh…
Why you just didn't report it to the Minor Planet Center?
It's a professor and a bunch of Michigan State students
who identified something big.
Really? How large?
How big we talking?
We clocked it in around five to ten kilometers wide.
About five to ten kilometers wide.
Uh… That's a big boy.
And, uh, was this professor the one who first made the observations?
Hi, yes. Uh, Dr. Mindy.
And... And no, PhD candidate Kate Dibiasky found it.
I did the orbital calculations.
I, uh… I study trace gasses in dead galaxies.
I haven't published in a while so you probably haven't heard of me.
But anyway, that doesn't matter.
Sorry. What was your question?
What are the most updated estimates on its trajectory?
Kate?
Um…
I've been running it all day. I keep getting the same result.
A direct hit of Earth in six months and 14 days.
Me too.
Matthew, what are your calculations?
Um, Scout program is saying six months, 14 days.
We got six months and 14 days.
And it's roughly five to ten kilometers wide.
Which… Which, uh…
Isn't that…
An extinction-level event?
Well, let's not be dramatic here.
Okay, uh…
First move is to get the school field trip out here to DC.
Let's all calm down.
I need the person who first had eyes on the comet
and the person in charge.
What?
…share this data immediately with Cambridge, Caltech and IAU.
Wait a minute. This is classified information.
What's happening?
I serve at the discretion of the president.
Is this really happening?
…and the dead galaxy professor to Hickam Air Force base.
DC, right? Hey! Hey, Kate.
This isn't happening, right?
Kate, this isn't real, right? This is, uh…
This is just some sort of alternate reality, right?
Say something.
I gotta go get high.
Word is that I need you both in DC fast. Only plane I got going there is that one.
Anyway, I am Dr. Mindy. This is...
- Hi! Oh. - Go, go, go!
- Where do we sit, Kate? - I have no idea.
Is there any customary seating for…
What the fuck? Is this real? Is this a goddamn joke?
Holy shit.
This can't be happening. No.
- Brendon. You mean Brendon? - Yeah, Brendon.
You know, he didn't keep his head down. It's all politics, Teddy. You know that.
You must be Randall and Kate.
Yes. Yes, hi.
I'm Dr. Oglethorpe, but you can call me Teddy.
I'm sorry. Did you say your name…
- I should call you "Teddy"? Teddy. - Teddy. Yeah.
Yeah, we call him Teddy because he ain't no teddy bear.
General Themes. I'm the Pentagon's eyes on, uh,
you know, whatever this turns out to be.
The president is famously late, and you've had a long flight, so…
- Michigan State Spartans. - Mmm.
- Is that the Oval Office? - Yeah, that's the Oval Office, yeah.
It's a lot smaller than in the photographs.
The president should be here shortly.
She's already been briefed.
Correct, Scott?
That is correct.
Are we really about to tell the president of the United States
that we have just over six months
until humankind, basically every species, is completely extinct?
Yeah. That's exactly what we're about to do. Yeah.
Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh.
Yes, I said law enforcement.
But I didn't want… I mean, you told me that he was clean.
- Hello, Madam President. Dr. Oglethorpe. - Step back, please.
Hello.
Madam President, I'm Dr. Oglethorpe. I believe Jocelyn briefed you to…
- Hey, Jason. - Yeah? What up, yo?
Come on, man. What the hell? This is real world.
Yeah. I know. We need five minutes.
We have a problem with our Supreme Court nominee. Five minutes. Thank you.
Just take a message, and then, stuff like this happens,
and I don't know what's going on.
I don't understand how many more times I need to tell you…
Well, there's a bunch of stuff about their nominee not being qualified,
but I don't see any articles about our thing.
Social media is just going on and on
about that singer Riley Bina and DJ Chello breaking up.
That's just too bad.
They seem like sweet kids.
Hmm. I don't… I don't know them.
Which is…
- It's a shame though. - Yeah.
- Do you know them, Kate? - Yes.
- But I don't really give a shit right now. - Oh.
They charge an arm and a leg for this stuff.
- Ten apiece ought to do it. - Oh.
- Grab a water. - Thank you.
I've got Kate as well.
- Perfect. - Thank you.
- Here's a 20. - Oh.
- You got change? - No.
- I mean, I could ask the Marine. - Yeah…
Uh, it's a Xanax.
- I only take a quarter. Otherwise I get… - Ah…
- Kate. - Thank you.
You know, you should be careful with that much.
Oh!
I'm very sorry. I have to be in Okinawa by two o'clock tomorrow.
- What? - What? Are you serious?
- This is very important. - I have to go quell the natives.
Tell your daughter I said hello.
Isn't it important that he was in the room with us? I mean, what…
Where do I pay for these?
It's free.
Really?
Yes, it's the White House.
The snacks are free.
What?
The general.
He charged us for the snacks, but they're free.
Oh, gosh.
Why on earth would he do that?
Hey, peeps, uh, it's not looking like it's gonna happen tonight,
and I feel horrible.
We're gonna put you up in a hotel somewhere.
Excuse me, does the president know why we're here?
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
They must not know why we're here, right?
They know. Uh, but you heard 'em.
- Do they even realize… - Be ready for tomorrow.
…how long it took for us to get…
And then they made us wait for over seven hours,
but they never called us in. I couldn't believe it.
Of course they didn't call you in. Kate, have you watched any news today?
No, I've been pretty wrapped up in our… project.
Turn on your TV right now.
President Orlean is in the middle of an all-time shit storm.
Sheriff Wade Conlon was already a controversial nominee,
with no law degree and a record of "shoot first and ask questions later."
You watching?
With his background as a nude life model…
Yeah, I'm watching it right now.
…the White House is in full crisis mode.
And, get this.
I found five former students
who are willing to go on record that Conlon got noticeably aroused
when he posed for their drawing class.
I have no shame in what I did.
Now, should I say "noticeably aroused"?
Or "engorged"? Because I don't want this to read like clickbait.
You know, this is a real article.
I just… Kate, can I get something from you, please?
Sorry.
- Out of sorts tonight. - Can we have this conversation?
I feel like we're skirting around this.
Do you have an issue with my mom? Is that what this is all about?
You can't tell me what's going on?
It's just the protocol. Please, don't worry.
Oh, Marshall got a 172 on his LSATs and we're celebrating.
Way to go, Marshall. I'm proud of you, buddy.
Whoo! Thank you, Dad. Miss you.
Hey, how's Evan feeling? Are the new meds working out?
- I'm a solid four. - Ooh!
He's a solid four.
Well, that's better than last month, right?
You know, just remember to speak up in the meeting tomorrow. Okay?
- Yeah. I will. - You get so quiet.
When it's time to take credit, you kind of…
She asked you if you were a lesbian. She did not say that you were a lesbian.
- It was a question. - Hey, look, I'm…
Can I sit down with your mom to have lunch in, like, seven months?
Seven… That's weirdly specific and distant.
What is… This is my mom.
So… Oh!
I heard there's an asteroid or a comet or something
that you don't like the looks of.
Tell me about it and then tell me why you're telling me about it.
You got 20 minutes.
- Twenty minutes? - That's you, Doc.
Go. Now. Go.
Uh…
Madam President.
Uh…
Approximately 36 hours ago,
uh, PhD candidate Kate Dibiasky here discovered
a very large comet.
Oh.
- Yeah. - Good for you.
A comet between five to ten kilometers across,
that we estimate came from the, uh…
From the… from the Oort cloud.
Wow.
Which is the outermost part of the solar system.
And, um…
And using Gauss's method of orbital determination
and the average astrometric uncertainty of 0.04 arcseconds, we then asked...
- Whoa! What the hell is… What? - I'm so bored. Just tell us what it is.
- What? Stop what? - Seriously, stop.
What Dr. Mindy is trying to say is there's a comet headed towards Earth,
and according to NASA's computers,
that object is gonna hit the Pacific Ocean
at 62 miles due west off the coast of Chile.
Then what happens? Like, a tidal wave?
No. It will be far more catastrophic.
There'll be mile-high tsunamis fanning out all across the globe.
If this comet makes impact, it will have the power of a billion Hiroshima bombs.
There'll be magnitude 10 or 11 earthquakes...
You're breathing weird. It's, uh, making me uncomfortable.
I'm sorry, I'm just trying to articulate the science.
I know. But it's so stressful. I'm trying to, like, listen...
I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation.
I'm trying to articulate it the best I can...
Madam President, this comet is what we call a planet-killer.
That is correct.
Mmm-hmm.
So how certain is this?
There's 100% certainty of impact.
Please, don't say 100%.
Can we just call it a potentially significant event?
- Yeah. - Yes.
But it isn't potentially going to happen.
It is going to happen.
Exactly. 99.78% to be exact.
Oh, great. Okay, so it's not 100%.
Well, scientists never like to say 100%.
Call it 70% and let's just move on.
But it's not even close to 70%.
You cannot go around saying to people
that there's 100% chance that they're gonna die.
You know? It's just nuts.
We should get some of our scientists on this, you know.
No offense, but you're just two people that walked in here with...
Dr. Oglethorpe.
Dr. Ov… Ogilvy. Yeah.
I've been head of planetary defense at NASA for 15 years.
And Dr. Mindy is a tenured professor of astronomy at Michigan State,
where Miss Dibiasky is a doctoral candidate.
- Good. - I'm sorry. Did you say Michigan State?
Exactly. They have an excellent astronomy department.
- Yes. - Come on, bro.
You kidding? You wanna see my fucking SAT scores?
Okay, let's bottom line this.
What is this gonna cost me?
You know, what's the ask here?
There are government plans in place.
Um, actions we can take through NASA.
Drones that can be outfitted with nukes
to deflect and hopefully change the orbit of this comet.
We must act now.
Oh, hey. All right, all right, all right.
- When are the midterms? Three weeks. - Three weeks.
So, if this breaks before then, we lose Congress.
Then there's nothing we can do about it.
It'll be gridlocked.
The timing is just… It's atrocious.
Okay, at this very moment, I say we sit tight and assess.
Sit tight and assess.
Let's get some other people on this. Some Ivy Leaguers.
And you and I will review the NASA plans.
- Okay? - I'd greatly appreciate that.
Am I to understand correctly that,
after all of the information you've received today,
the decision you're making is to "sit tight and assess"?
- I'm sorry, who is she? - Who the fuck are you? Aren't you her son?
I'm the fucking Chief of Staff, Boy with the Dragon Tattoo.
So I'm doing fine.
We gotta get out of here. This place is a freak show.
I think what Miss Dibiasky is trying to say
is that the idea of sitting tight is an extremely, extremely dangerous...
Oh, oh!
Thank you. One good thing happened today.
Okay, funny story.
When I was running for president,
I had to sneak cigarettes for the whole first month of the campaign
because, you know, photographs of me smoking
went for, what, a hundred grand a pop?
So, I'm always hiding, but, you know, I just got sick of it.
And I just said, "You know what, I'm gonna smoke whenever I want to."
Mmm…
Guess what happened?
- I went up three points in the polls. - They loved that she kept it real.
They love watching a smokeshow smoke.
I can't think of another president that I'd ever wanna see in Playboy.
Do you know how many, uh, "the world is ending" meetings
that we've had over the years?
Economic collapse, loose nukes, car exhaust killing the atmosphere.
- Rogue AI. - Drought, famine, plague…
- Uh… - Everything.
Alien invasion, population growth, hole in the ozone...
Jason, hey.
- Read the room for once in your life. - Sorry, Mom.
Point is, I have a job to do.
You do understand that this is an apocalyptic event.
This is a large celestial body heading towards our planet at speeds...
Dr. Mindy, I hear you.
I hear you.
- You should be proud. - Thank you.
I'm taking it very seriously. I'm taking it straight in the heart.
I'm so glad to hear that. You have no idea.
Hey, gang, obviously everything we talked about in here, super classified, right?
- Yeah. - Cool.
Thanks for dressing up.
You're saying we're just gonna leak it to the press?
- Isn't that illegal? - Hell yeah, we're going to leak it.
In case you didn't notice, the White House just blew us off.
My boyfriend, Phillip, says he knows a reporter
from the New York Herald who will talk to us.
- Adul Grelio. - Good. He's a heavy hitter.
And I'll reach out to more of the scientific community on the down-low.
- I just feel like this isn't what I do. - You're just telling a story.
Keep it simple.
No math.
But it's all math.
It all started with a connection.
A simple gesture that created so much.
So many choices.
Sometimes, it can even feel like too much.
Until now.
Introducing BASH LiiF.
Life, without the stress of living.
Before we introduce the founder and CEO of BASH,
please remember to avoid direct eye contact,
sudden movements, coughing or negative facial expressions.
And now, please welcome Sir Peter Isherwell.
We love you, Peter!
Hello, everyone.
All of my life's work,
really, I see has been driven by an inexpressible need for a friend
who would understand and soothe me.
And you know, now all those years of work have come to fruition with BASH LiiF,
our new BASH 14.3, uh, phone
is fully integrated into your every feeling and desire
without you needing to say one single word.
If I feel…
- Sad. - Afraid.
Or alone.
The BASH 14.3 phone, when set to the life setting,
instantly senses my mood through blood pressure…
Uh, heartbeats and...
Your vitals show that you are sad.
This will cheer you up, Peter.
Oh, that's wonderful.
That video. Um…
It also, seriously, uh, schedules
a therapy session with a nearby professional,
so we can make sure that these sad feelings never ever ever return.
- May I say something, Mr. Isherwell? - No.
And to support, uh, BASH LiiF, uh, I wanna officially announce…
Oh, give me the phones. They're not yours.
- Say bye. - Bye, Mr. Isherwell.
Bye, Peter.
Um, I love you, Peter.
Are you sure the video of the puppy on the rooster
is optimizing our prepubescent sense memory consumer sector?
I find the bird quite threatening.
We will cross-check the data on that, for sure.
Mr. Isherwell, Paul Debent wanted me to give this to you.
He got it from an astronomer friend of his in Mexico.
Oh, my.
What other confirmation do we have on this, Adul?
I've spoken to Dr. Oglethorpe in DC and he confirmed it and all the math.
Then I showed it to Dr. Franks at Columbia,
and he almost fell out of his chair.
So, look, I have to admit. I was very skeptical at first,
but this is all quite credible.
The calculations are credible.
Jesus.
And the president really said to sit tight?
- Yes. That's correct. - "Sit tight and assess."
She's probably worried about the midterms.
We need to move fast.
The feds will claim breach of security,
so make sure these two get a pro bono attorney.
- You can use my attorney. - You can certainly afford it now.
We're gonna hire a lawyer?
- That wasn't necessary. - It was.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry.
That was not called for.
I just have a question here.
How is it criminal if we just tell people,
like the public, you know, what we saw, and tell them the truth?
Make sure this one gets media training before he hits the shows.
He seems a step slow.
What does that mean, I need media training?
They want us on a show called The Daily Rip
first thing in the morning before the article comes out.
You guys know what The Daily Rip is?
It's like the best show. Everyone wants to be on it.
Brie and Jack have legendary chemistry.
They asked me to go on once.
I was so excited I couldn't sleep for two nights,
but then they cut me for time.
Still hurts me to think about that.
I know what show you're talking about. My wife loves that show.
Okay, can you just tell me what this is all about? Okay?
'Cause you haven't read my article on Conlon getting hard in the art class.
Now Adul Grelio has come down from his mountaintop for your thing.
You won't even give me a lousy pronoun? Come on.
A comet, bigger than the asteroid that destroyed the dinosaurs,
is headed directly at Earth.
If it isn't deflected, the entire planet dies.
Wait, what did you just say?
It's for a video game.
Are you being serious?
Yes.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! What the fuck, man?
I love you too. All right. Yeah.
Hey, guys, we gotta keep walking, all right?
Come on.
- You must be Dr. Mindy and Miss Dibiasky? - Yes.
Jack and Brie are so excited to have you on the show.
Really? They know who we are?
White House is denying they even met with them.
Well, assholes will always be assholes.
Hi, I'm Thalia.
The Herald sent me to help with your wardrobe.
Oh, I'm not wearing that.
Yeah, you actually have really great facial structure.
How 'bout if we trim this beard down a little bit and...
I love your hair.
Thank you.
How are we gonna do this? I talk about the discovery and you…
Talk about how urgent it is that we take action.
How do we say it? I mean…
- Shouldn't we practice it or write it out? - Can I get you some water?
Yeah, water. Yeah, water would be nice.
You are here now. You are here now. You are here now.
Eleven benevolent elephants. Eleven benevolent elephants.
- Just gonna take some Xanax. - Hmm.
I take it sometimes when I…
Kate, not this time. Not this time.
He just needs to breathe and speak up. You know?
He's got this. I know he does.
Oh, God. Come on.
You are here now. You are here now. You are here now.
You're here now.
Oh, God!
You gotta stop drinking the cheap shit.
- It's only two glasses. - Yeah, two and a half.
- We're 20 out. - Always running late.
Let's make sure that our eye lines,
that we're not looking at Jack and Brie, please, all right?
And cue the package.
Two glasses. Here we go again.
- Ladies okay? - Yes. And we're live.
Brie, I've got something for you today. Listen to this.
President Orlean's Supreme Court nominee, Sheriff Conlon,
has now been identified as appearing in a softcore porn cable show
- from the early '90s… - Ridiculous.
…called Satin Sheet Nights.
- This story just keeps going and going… - Oh, my gosh.
Is that Riley Bina?
- Yes, well, it's a… - Really?
She looks a lot smaller in person, doesn't she?
Ride 'em, cowboy.
- Good. - Hee-haw!
Hey, everyone. I'm Sean from the show.
Uh, we're gonna do… Jack and Brie are gonna do ten on the SCOTUS nominee.
- Riley Bina, you'll come on and... - I get to talk about my single, right?
A portion of the profits goes to the manatee sanctuaries.
Yes, but the, uh, breakup first.
And then Dr. Mindy and Miss Dibiasky,
you'll come on and talk about that planet you discovered.
Uh… Comet. We found a comet.
They know what we're here to talk about, right?
Of course. Jack and Brie love doing science segments.
Just remember, keep it light, fun.
Jack and Brie love having a good time.
That's not promising.
You guys discovered a comet? That's so dope.
I have a tattoo of a shooting star on my back.
- Oh. - That's terrific.
We heard about your breakup too, so we just wanna say…
We're very sorry, right?
We're real sorry. You seem like a… great person.
Why don't you mind your own business, you old fuck?
Okay.
Not gonna lie, but, um, my friends
and my Vroom Vroom Army have been so amazing.
So, I'm really grateful for that. But, yeah, I can't lie. It's been hard.
- You're an inspiration. It's incredible. - To so many.
You're really owning that pain.
You know, Jack, I feel like there's some kind of conversation
that we need to be having here. Is there any message
that you would like to send to your, uh, ex, DJ Chello?
You know, um…
If there's something...
- Yeah. - Right here in this camera.
Tell him. As if that was him. You tell him exactly what you're thinking.
Okay, um…
Chell.
I still love you, and, um, after many sleepless nights,
three,
I wanna take you back.
I'm sorry. Whoa, uh…
- Is that okay? - Yeah.
- He cheated on you. - Oh, my God. You guys…
Yeah. I do.
- Diddly just exploded. - So did Vroom Vroom.
BASH News just sent me eight push notifications.
- About this? - Yeah, look.
My phone just purchased DJ Chello's latest single.
What the… It just did that without asking.
I'm being told that we have DJ Chello live on a Mugg link.
- What's he got to say for himself? - I love the producers here.
Hey, baby doll. Hey.
- Hi. Hi, baby. - He's in tears.
- Your kid messed up bad. - I know.
Lady Baroque wasn't wearing any panties in the club that night.
- It's fine. - I just got all crazy.
I wasn't thinking straight. I made a mistake.
But, look, it's always been you.
Oh! I get it. It's okay.
I hooked up with her too, last year at the Music Globes
right before I ran off with that power forward from the Nuggets,
and none of that matters.
What about "Forget breakup sex. Try breakup relationship"?
- That's good. - Come on.
"Ten famous second chances for two-timers," guys.
It's on a plate.
I've been scared, but, honestly, I'm not scared anymore.
Okay.
My little bumblebee, will you marry me?
- Oh, my God. Of course. - Oh, wow.
- Chell, of course. - Yes!
- That's sick.
Yes!
All right, DJ Chello.
What is happening?
Just bought another.
- Who are these people again? - They're like the biggest names…
Well, the fireworks have certainly gone off today.
- They have. - What a zinger!
Yes, they have.
From a wedding proposal to a little science experiment.
I'll need a temple rub and a martini later on.
Our last guests today have made a pretty big discovery in space.
Astronomer Dr. Randall Mindy
and PhD candidate Miss Kate Dibiasky are here.
Welcome to the show.
Can I ask you one thing before we go any further? I have to know this.
Is there life out there?
- Can you tell us? Yes or no, final answer. - We don't have the data.
But sure, in the vastness of space, why not?
Yes, aliens are real.
I knew I'd like this guy. Didn't I tell? You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm not saying there's little green men in flying saucers...
- Please don't encourage him, Dr. Mindy. - That's what he's saying.
We'll never get out of here.
Now, Jack was having some fun here.
- Dad looks great. - What did…
- Doesn't he look good? - They did something with his beard.
With the aliens…
Really… He really does.
- So much. - Dr. Randall…
You'll regret it. Now, look, Jack's just having some fun here
with the aliens or whatever,
but there's a New York Herald story that's just come out that talks about…
Keep it right there. You're doing good.
- …the two of you have made. - That's right, Brie.
Kate was, um, observing supernovas…
Yo, that's your girl?
- Yeah. - Not bad.
…an absolutely shocking and once-in-a-lifetime discovery.
I had no idea that Subaru made telescopes.
This has to be exciting. Tell us what you found, Miss Diabasky.
Um, I was monitoring exploding stars
to help measure the expansion of the universe and...
- For your PhD, right? - Yeah.
I saw something I didn't recognize.
It was a comet.
A big one.
It's headed directly at Earth, and it really likely will hit.
This sounds very, very exciting.
Exploding stars, like, stars actually explode.
Um, how big is this thing?
Can it destroy someone's house? Is that possible?
Well, Comet Dibiasky, which is what it will officially be named...
- After her? - Yeah, after her.
- Congratulations. - What an honor. Congratulations.
It's somewhere between six and nine kilometers across.
- So... - It's big.
It would damage the entire planet.
Not just a house, you know?
The entire planet.
Okay, as it's damaging, will it hit this one house in particular
that's right on the coast of New Jersey? It's my ex-wife's house.
Can we make that happen?
You and Shelly have a great relationship. Stop.
You need to stop.
I will, but in all fairness, I actually paid for the house.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, are we not being clear?
We're trying to tell you
that the entire planet is about to be destroyed.
- Okay, um… - Well, it's, you know…
It's something we do around here. We just keep the bad news light.
Right. It helps the medicine go down.
Speaking of medicine, tomorrow we've got...
Well, maybe the destruction of the entire planet
isn't supposed to be fun.
Maybe it's supposed to be terrifying.
And unsettling.
No, please don't do that.
- And you should stay up all night… - Please.
…every night crying,
when we're all 100% for sure gonna fucking die!
Hey, Kate.
I'm sorry.
Hey, man.
My brother has bipolar disorder. So if you ever need anyone to talk…
- Uh… - Okay.
Is she always like that?
- I... - Something I said?
Right?
Maybe I should have given her that extra Xanax that I had.
Listen, if you don't have enough, we all have enough around here for her.
A spoonful of Xanax makes the medicine go down, right?
That's right. That's good.
- We're gonna have to get you back. - I knew I'd like this guy.
- Is he a plant? - I knew it.
Okay.
Well, the handsome astronomer
can come back anytime, but the yelling lady, not so much.
Not so much. Join us tomorrow when our guest will be the man
that many say will challenge President Orlean in two years.
Senator Jeff Lerner will be here.
And wrongly-convicted murderer, Michelle Weems,
talks to us about her controversial third-place finish on Celebrity Dance Off.
- I thought she would've won. - Yes. I still think she's guilty.
- That's The Daily Rip, guys. - Have a great day.
- And we're out! - The show's over?
- I mean, didn't… - Yeah.
- Did what we wanted to say come across? - No, it's over.
You were great, but I think mullet girl, she probably needs some media training.
- Really? - Yeah, no, terrible, buddy.
Oh… Thanks. Thanks, Billy.
Uh, we usually get drinks at Aundrine's after our five o'clock staff meeting.
You know, it's fun. You should come.
Oh, I'll have to see. Thank you for the invitation. Thank you.
Mmm-hmm.
Kate? Kate?
- Hey. You were awesome. - Oh, thanks.
Can I get a photo of you for my portfolio?
- Yeah, sure. - Thanks.
Thank you.
You can see this spike here
is when Riley Bina asked to take DJ Chello back
on the segment before you.
We saw engagement across all social media platforms.
Hmm. And what about our story?
Randall and Kate,
your TV appearance got some nice traffic when Miss Dibiasky cursed.
But, unfortunately, there was an immediate backlash
that quickly became a meme.
Oh, Jesus.
- Oh, that's terrible. - They just think I'm crazy.
I mean, look at that. That's so unnecessary.
- You can move on, Erin. - Yeah.
That is just so… Is that even allowed on the Internet or…
I think that's Photoshop, Kate.
The trick is to not take it personal…
Dr. Mindy, on the other hand, had some very high favorables.
Vegan♪Babe wrote, "Meow! Me likey hunky Star Man."
Uh, some accounts called him "The Bedroom Eyes Doomsday Prophet"
or A-I-L-F, which means "astronomer I'd like to fuck."
Oh…
I don't see what that has to do with anything, do you?
And that's everything.
We did not feature or push on any sites,
and clicks overall were below basic weather and traffic stories.
So that… That… That's it?
- I knew it. - That's it.
- Thank you, Erin. - Yeah, no problem.
I don't… I don't understand.
I don't understand. There's no response.
There's absolutely no… Why aren't people terrified?
What do we have to say? What do we have to do?
There are scientists in Mexico and Spain who are currently going through the data,
and, uh, South Korea has expressed...
- That's great. South Korea. - Hey.
Let us not bullshit each other.
The bottom line is, you guys told us the science was 100%.
It's not. Now we look like idiots.
- No. Who said the science is not 100%? - Excuse me?
I wanna talk to this person. You tell me who said the science...
Dr. Jocelyn Calder, the head of NASA,
just came out calling it "more near-miss hysteria."
She's the one who told us not to say anything.
"More near-miss hysteria."
Is she even an astronomer?
She's the head of NASA, but maybe she doesn't know what she's talking about.
She's the head of NASA, but look,
she's a "former anesthesiologist and a President Orlean super donor."
Let's not be dramatic here.
It's all corrupt.
Yes, but the point is that Adul's right. There's still serious debate.
And now the Herald has egg on its face.
We've taken that story as far as it goes.
Ladies, gentlemen, I wish you a very pleasant end of times.
It's not a goddamn story, okay?
We have precisely six months, ten days,
two hours, 11 minutes and 41 seconds,
until a comet twice the size of Chicxulub
tears through our atmosphere and extincts all life on Earth.
When did you do those calculations?
I put the moment of impact on a diet app.
So, impact is when my diet ends.
Only I'm not on a diet. I'm just crying five times a day.
- I'm scared. - Hey, come on. Come on.
Everyone should be panicking right now, okay?
- Don't cry. Come on. - I know.
That prick!
What happened?
Guess my boyfriend just broke up with me.
God, what a day. What a day…
You're gonna die! You're gonna die! You're…
It started with a photo many thought was an armpit
or the chin of a man with a strange beard.
But what's emerging now is a scandal…
President Orlean sent her Supreme Court nominee
a cell phone picture of her private parts.
- Holy crap! - It's clickbait material.
Is this what you want in your country as a leader?
Isn't she the same person who told poor people
that if they don't wanna be poor, they should pick better lottery numbers?
She actually said that.
A source also confirmed to me that
the two have been having an affair for years.
And as recently as yesterday…
Members of my party are currently drawing up a formal censure
of the president,
Janie Orlean…
Oh, my God, honey.
This guy doesn't even know what a heliocentric orbit is,
and he's calling me a crackpot.
He says that,
"Jewish billionaires invented this comet threat
so the government can confiscate our liberty and our guns."
"#DontBeScared." Unbelievable.
My God.
You've been on that site a lot lately.
Yeah. I mean, I… I have, like, a quarter million subscribers, honey.
I gotta use my voice to get the truth out there, right?
I'm, uh, going for a walk if you wanna come.
It is called the scientific method…
…and it is what created the computer
that you are typing your half-witted conspiracy theories on.
What do you think about that?
Randall?
- Yeah, honey? - Someone's here to see you.
Who? Oh, boy.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, God, right. Okay.
Right.
Are you Dr. Randall Mindy?
Yes, sir. I am.
"We're all gonna die."
Fuck off, please.
FBI! Freeze! Get on your knees right now! Get on your knees!
You're under arrest for breach of national security secrets.
Jesus Christ!
You could've just called me or showed up to my apartment.
What are you, dressed up as a blind guy?
- Get on the ground! - Okay. Now be cool.
I just have more skin pigmentation than you.
'Cause your ancestors migrated to Northern Europe
and developed lighter skin so as to not get…
Unless you assholes are taking me to the Batcave,
fuck you for putting this hood on me.
Watch out for him. He'll charge you for free shit.
What's he doing here? Is he here for us?
Gentlemen, you can come in.
I think it was Winston Churchill who…
Or maybe it was Bobby Knight who said, "The great labor of leadership
is to lay down one's yoke of pride
and admit that mistakes were made."
You were deceived, as was I, but the end result was,
we had our scientists who went to, uh, the prestigious schools of Harvard,
Princeton, et cetera.
They confirmed the data. So we would like to offer you a…
Presidential apology.
Really?
And we are fully prepared to mobilize
in historic fashion in order to save this planet.
The best news we've heard in a long time.
So, basically, what you're saying is
you're about to lose the midterms 'cause you got caught
sending pictures of your cooch to your porn-star sheriff boyfriend.
So now it's to your advantage to act on the comet?
Right.
Okay.
Okay. I'm just…
God, I'm so relieved that you guys are doing something.
- Hey, come on. Hey. - This has been really…
- Really, really hard. - Come here.
This has been really, really, really stressful on all of us.
Yes, I will agree.
This will take some heavy weight off all of us...
Sorry, you just look so bad when you cry.
Maybe, possibly.
People are gonna ask why we didn't act earlier.
So you're gonna have to take the hit on this one.
Yeah, but we'll take care of you down the road, Jocelyn.
- We will. - Of course, Janie.
I will resign in disgrace first thing tomorrow.
- Good. Yeah, good. - That's weird as hell.
She's an anesthesiologist.
I'm going to make a statement,
presidential statement to the American people.
And we're not gonna tell the press about it ahead of time
because that way it will have the appearance
of a breaking emergency sort of…
Good things come to those who wait.
See?
Whoo!
Oh, my God!
We interrupt this broadcast of Jackpot Fiancé
for an emergency message from the president of the United States.
Citizens of the United States and peoples of the world,
I have just been handed
scientific findings that confirm a worst-case scenario.
An unprecedented comet, nine kilometers wide,
is now on a direct collision course with our cherished home, planet Earth.
Estimated time of arrival is approximately five months from now.
So we have…
We've drawn up a massive Congressional spending bill…
I have already put together an emergency spending package for Congress…
…that the Senate and the House have agreed upon.
That's good to hear.
And that will enable NASA and our great military
to launch a preemptive strike,
using decommissioned space shuttles and satellites
loaded with nuclear explosives.
We will blow Comet Dibiasky off her course…
But we're gonna need a hero.
We're gonna need a pilot, real guns and…
Shouldn't this mission be accomplished using remote technology?
Washington's always gotta have a hero.
I have asked
Medal of Freedom recipient and outspoken patriot, Benedict Drask,
to undertake this difficult and…
I'm sorry. Isn't he the mercenary gentleman
that was screaming at all those children on the White House lawn?
Yeah. He was given the honor of leading
the presidential initiative in getting kids to exercise.
Get a little air into it, you lard-ass…
You look like a goddamn bunch of pussies.
- I'm sorry. - He's just of another generation.
You know, I used to date him.
Know what happened to the last pussy I worked with in combat?
You ever see inside a man's torso?
Benedict Drask reporting for duty.
- Thank you for the… - He's gonna be fantastic.
He's got a great voice.
- We're gonna let him make a statement. - Some are saying this is a…
He's got a great body too.
- He does. - Yeah.
…suicide mission.
Well, all I ask is,
if I get snuffed,
that you all earn the extra living my sacrifice gives you.
The extra living my sacrifice gives them.
- Right? - I wrote that.
Isn't that from Saving Private Ryan?
- Yes. - No, that's something totally different.
And special thanks should also go to this team of scientists behind me…
We're gonna need everybody's help on this.
Everybody.
All have to pitch in and push out this message.
…African-American scientist.
Miss Dibiasky, she…
And we have Kate Dibiasky, who the comet is named after,
but don't blame her.
…connects with the disaffected youth and the mentally ill.
- And other marginal groups. - Thank you.
- We'll do whatever we can. - As long as you do the right thing.
We're there for you.
Especially you, Dr. Mindy, because you poll so much higher
than your colleagues. It's wild.
He will help us destroy our common enemy, Dibiasky.
Wonderful. Well, I think we're done.
Yep, okay. Let's go.
Can I say something?
We've been dying to hear what you gotta say.
I didn't vote for you.
But this is obviously much bigger than my misgivings.
So I will be 100% behind this effort.
No matter how offensive I may find you.
Hmm. Wow. That's great.
Yeah. That's really nice.
You know, I did have the FBI put that bag over your head.
They don't do that. The CIA does, but I made them do it.
You know, I had a feeling. I really did.
It's a good feeling 'cause that is what I did.
- And it was very funny and cool. - Okay.
May Jesus Christ bless every single one of you,
especially the honorable members of my own party.
We will prevail.
We're all gonna die!
Guys, this comet is seriously stressing me out.
Well, it's coming. People gotta dig in.
I already got buyers for these shovels on e-market.
Clean sweep for President Orlean in these midterm elections.
- …how hot he is. - Thousand bucks a pop.
…discharge the duties on which I am about to enter.
"So help you God."
- So help me God. - Congratulations.
We have talk of a Nobel Peace Prize in the offing.
He's not hot.
Hello, Sammy.
Are you really a doctor?
Well, sort of. I'm an astronomer.
Oh. What is an astronomer?
Dr. Mindy, there is a lot of fear out there,
uh, in America, around the world.
Parents don't know what to say to their kids.
What would you say to them to help them understand?
Well, I'm sure many of us are frightened right now.
But I can assure you, our best and our brightest, they're on the job.
I've seen the science on this plan and it is sound.
I know your words are a great comfort to all our viewers, Dr. Randall,
and we thank you for your courage and your service.
I'd just like to say
that whenever I feel afraid or alone in this, I…
I think of you and I just… I feel better.
So thank you.
That's my job.
- Tell me we're all gonna die. - What?
- Tell me we're all gonna die, do it. - We're all gonna die.
Oh, boy.
So, these two Marxists wave around the word "science"
and we're all supposed to do whatever they say?
Yeah, how do we know there even is a comet?
Mr. Pawketty, Congressman, this data has been proven
and has been peer-reviewed by hundreds of world-renowned scientists.
And we're supposed to trust you? The comet's got your name.
I don't… I don't see the relevancy.
Why won't you answer the question?
- Answer the question. - What's the question?
Grow up here, okay?
This is ridiculous.
I've just realized, we don't really know anything about each other. Do we?
True.
Well, every time I try to ask you about your life,
you seem to just tell me about your favorite restaurants.
Well, I… You know…
I just despise the, you know,
getting-to-know-you part of relationships, so…
Oh, okay. I understand.
Okay, let's just get it over and done with.
Okay, uh…
Right, so, uh…
My grandfather invented the flash-freezing process.
So I come from grotesque money,
but I got away from it by getting three masters degrees.
Uh, I've been divorced twice.
Uh, one was a Secretary of State, and the other one was a sport fisherman.
Uh, I have slept with two former presidents.
I speak four languages, and I own two Monets.
Wow.
Two former presidents. Wow.
- What, my turn? - Yeah.
Oh. All right. My father was a middle school geography teacher.
My mother, she cut hair out of the kitchen.
Uh, about two years ago, our family dog, JoJo, died,
which was really, really emotional.
I can't remember crying that much ever.
And, um…
I finally got my, uh, Star Wars poster signed by Mark Hamill.
It's in the garage. It's… So, yeah.
Okay, good.
That's done.
Ah…
Where are we gonna go for dinner tonight?
The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside the quiet waters. He restores my soul.
Not since D-Day have we seen such a mass mobilization
of unions and resources for such a noble task.
One cannot help but be moved by the bravery, ingenuity,
and sacrifice on display here.
Okay, here we go, everyone. Let's stay sharp.
I just want you to know, this is the most propulsive thing
that's ever happened to me. Thank you.
What's the holdup, you guys? What are you waiting on?
Come on, motherfuckers, let's light this fucking firecracker, huh?
Think I got all day?
Commander Drask, this is your president speaking.
Your nation thanks you.
Your planet thanks you.
And God and I thank you.
Listen, the only thanks I need is a shot of Jack Daniels.
And a couple DUIs to magically go away.
This is Mission Control. All indicators are coming up green.
This is a final warning to control the launchpad.
Your discovery led to this mission and our chance to save Earth.
I give you…
The honor.
Thank you.
Thank you, Madam President.
Citizens of planet Earth,
everything is theoretically impossible
until it is done.
And with that,
we are go for launch.
Yes.
- That's fire. - Thank you.
It was lit.
Hey, everyone, mind if I join?
- Hello. - Hello, Peter. Hi.
Hi. Oh, Brie, you look fabulous.
As always.
Is he allowed to be in here?
Yeah, he's a Platinum Eagle level donor to the campaign. He has full clearance.
Launch mission array.
Molly kicking in right now. Timed that shit perfect.
Ten, nine, eight…
Seven, six, five, four…
Three…
Ah…
Thank God!
We didn't lose any satellites.
Margin of error was for two to malfunction.
Hey, Madam President, may I have a word with you outside for a moment, please?
Oh, my God.
Mission success probability is already increased to 81%.
Outstanding.
Janie, now!
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Peter, I didn't mean…
And a big hello to that beautiful blue ball down there we all call home.
All those proud white folks working hard.
God bless you.
Just a different generation. Yeah.
I also wanna say hello to all the Indians out there.
Both kinds.
You know, the ones with the elephants and the ones with the bow and arrows.
Hey, why haven't you guys ever teamed up?
How cool would that be, huh?
I wanna say hello to all the gays out there.
- Commander, booster ejection is imminent. - Huh?
- Let's keep comm on mission. - Oh. Roger that.
Separation confirmed.
- Separation confirmed. - Whoo!
Was that French?
Yes, it is. It means, "the angels soar to the heavens." It's, um…
It's from a 14th-century poem I studied in Dartmouth.
And just watching this, it just made me think of it,
and think of you.
God, I can't…
Can't…
Go! Go! Go!
I think I probably should go to the hospital and see what they…
Launch challenge!
Go! Go! Go!
Everyone, I have just received
some critical information concerning our mission.
Looks like it's turning around.
No, it's not. It's a course correction.
It's pretty standard.
I was in the Navy.
Nope. It's turning around.
Seems to be some confusion here amongst the crowd,
but I'm not gonna lie to you.
This reporter is at a loss for words right now.
It's definitely turning around.
I'm looking straight at it.
Drask's ship is definitely turning around.
Does anyone know what the fuck just happened?
It's still locked.
I just don't… I don't understand what could've happened.
I mean, the mission was working, right? Everything was on track.
Yeah. I mean, it could've been anything, uh…
Guidance system could've malfunctioned, uh, nuke destabilized, myriad of things.
Who was that guy that walked into the Situation Room? He looked familiar.
That was Peter Isherwell, CEO of BASH, and the third richest human ever.
He's the guy that, uh, bought the Gutenberg Bible and lost it.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Things are, uh, extremely fluid.
Dr. Randall, you are now the Chief Science Advisor to the White House.
What?
As such, you need to attend an emergency Cabinet meeting
where you will be debriefed.
What about us?
You do not have clearance for this, sweetheart. Don't trip.
Got you some crackers, some waters.
You don't need to throw it on the floor.
Gonna be three, four hours, tops.
Here, Kate. I don't know why he threw 'em down. Here.
What if we have to go to the bathroom?
We'll lay out some newspaper for you. Grab you a can of Febreze.
Short, sweet and simple science.
I'll be back. All right. Come on.
Science tells the truth, Randall.
Fuck. Do you wanna come?
Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, what we thought,
what the world thought was an impending and terrifying danger,
turns out to be an astonishing opportunity.
Our allies are very confused and demanding answers...
Well, tell 'em to wait.
According to the most recent spectrometer readings of Comet Dibiasky,
made by the astrogeologists at BASH Cellular,
we've discovered something.
Something truly miraculous.
Peter. Peter?
Oh, thank you, Janie.
As, uh… As some of you may know,
the most valuable minerals in the world
are fast becoming those that are deployed
in the manufacture of cell phones and, uh, computers.
Yttrium, terbium, osmium, dysprosium, on and on and on.
We're running short.
Uh, and the problem is exacerbated, of course,
because China has her big panda paw firmly on almost all the mines
that produce these valuable rare Earth assets.
So you can imagine.
Wow!
Just how happy we were at BASH
when our astrogeologists discovered
and then determined that this comet, hurtling towards us from deep space,
actually contains at least $32 trillion of these critical materials.
Critical to technology.
If we're to proceed...
I'm sorry. Is that why you aborted this entire mission,
is because you're trying to mine the comet for rare minerals?
I think we should hold all questions
until the end of the presentation,
and you might find that your questions are answered.
Yes, Madam President.
When you… When the other metals are factored in,
the comet actually contains
almost $140 trillion worth of assets.
Buck-forty trilli.
Yeah…
What do these trillions of dollars even matter if we're all gonna die...
I was about to ask the same question, Janie.
Why weren't we consulted?
All due respect, Madam President…
Oh, no! What if we're rich and we're safe?
I've gone over it again and again and again in my head
and I still can't make sense of it.
He's a three-star general. He works at the Pentagon.
Why would he charge us for free snacks?
One time, I met Sting,
and I swear to God, he farted right in front of me.
Didn't break eye contact and didn't even say "excuse me."
And the thing is, he actually pulled it off.
'Cause I still found him to be quite charming.
Guys, we have to talk. Come on, let's go. Come on, now.
It's insane. Like, completely insane.
It will never work.
I had the exact same reaction.
This is a nine-kilometer-wide planet-killer we're talking about,
not roaming charges.
Look, I… I was confused and outraged that they turned this mission around too,
but they've got Gary Talcamont from Stanford
and Lisa Inez from Princeton on their team.
I mean, this is next-generation cutting-edge technology.
Obviously, one giant comet is a major and existential, uh, threat to our planet,
but 30 smaller meteoroids, we can handle.
Our BEADS, that stands for BASH, uh, Explore and Acquire Drones,
that you see here,
attach themselves to the comet
and scan it with nanotechnology
developed by Nobel Prize-winning scientist,
Dr. Gary Talcamont.
And then we immediately deploy, don't we?
Nobel and Polonsky prize-winning scientist
Dr. Inez's micro-targeted, quantum fission, uh, explosives.
You see, deep into the object…
Dr. Inez, would you like to explain what's happening?
Thank you, Peter.
We've been developing phase-fission reactions
in the CERN particle accelerator
that can splinter the comet into smaller pieces
with breathtaking accuracy.
These segments are then steered and decelerated by each BEAD
into the Pacific Ocean for reclamation by waiting US Navy ships.
And when these… Thank you.
And when these treasures from heaven are claimed,
poverty as we know it, social injustice, loss of biodiversity,
all these multitudes of problems
are just gonna become relics of the past
and humanity is gonna stride through the Pillars of Boaz and Jachin naked
into the the glory of a golden age…
And is this nanotech work peer-reviewed?
Well, I haven't reviewed the data, but it's been modeled.
Has any of this been peer-reviewed?
Nope.
Interplanetary, interstellar,
intergalactic existence for the human race.
Your mouth to God's ear.
I understand the wealth that they can extract from this comet,
it can end world hunger.
Oh, I see.
- Why are you laughing? - That's true. No, I see.
So that's the pretty little bow they're putting around this line of bullshit.
I bet they'll say freedom and puppies too.
- All right. - Yeah.
You want me to quit the mission? I'll quit the mission. That's fine.
But you have to understand, this is now beyond our control.
They have all the power.
So who do you want in the actual room to make sure
this whole thing doesn't turn out to be a complete goddamn disaster?
Jason Orlean? You want Jason Orlean in that room? Huh?
I have news for you. It's already a complete disaster.
They're talking about letting a comet the size of a mountain
hit the planet to jack up a cell phone company's stock!
You better take that down about four or five notches now.
Were you yelling about that mission? Why were you talking about cell phones?
My friend was just theorizing as to what's going on.
We're confused too.
That's an awfully official-looking White House badge you got there.
I don't know why I have this on.
Listen, just tell us what's going on.
I got three scared kids at home. Just tell us something.
I understand. I wish I could share information, but...
We're people just like you. We deserve to know!
They're right.
They deserve to know.
Do you really wanna know what's going on?
- Yeah. - Please.
- Kate, don't. Kate. - Kate.
They found a bunch of gold and diamonds and rare shit on the comet.
So they're gonna let it hit the planet
to make a bunch of rich people even more disgustingly rich!
Fuck you!
No camera!
…everything I could, they won't listen.
Surprise, surprise.
Now, I'm starting to think you just like riling people up.
I'm so sorry, Kate. Really, I am.
Oh, Randall. God.
Where's Brie Evantee?
Shouldn't you two be playing footsie in a restaurant
that only serves cubes and foam?
Well, she ain't wrong. You did lose the thread in a big way.
And what do you suggest we do? An online petition, huh?
You want to hold… Get a mob and hold up picket signs?
You wanna overthrow the government? I mean, look at this.
I can't! My head is in a bag!
Sorry, Dr. Mindy. White House wants her off the grid.
- Come on, now. Look... - Now.
Wait. What does that mean? What the hell does that mean?
- What does "off the grid" mean? - Hey, Kate.
Oh, gosh. Kate! Are you okay?
Teddy, come on! What choice do I have here?
A man's always got choices, Randall!
Sometimes you just gotta choose the good one!
Miss Katelyn Dibiasky,
the charges against you are violation of national security secrets,
inciting a riot, and destruction of private property
owned by Bojo Mambo's Shrimp LLC.
What? I didn't...
However, the Attorney General is willing to not pursue prosecution
if you will agree to the following:
"The suspension of all public media appearances
and incendiary language relating to Comet Dibiasky and BASH Cellular."
Fine. Give it to me. I don't give a shit anymore.
Mom. Dad.
I'm so glad to be home.
Unlock the door.
No politics. None.
What are you talking about?
Your dad and I are for the jobs the comet will provide.
The divisions in this country are bad enough.
We don't want more of that in our house.
Whoa!
- Slow down, kids. - Sorry, Mom.
I worry about my kids and their future.
Sure, the jobs the comet's gonna create sound great.
What if it's not safe?
Right now, millions of you are having these same doubts and questions
about the approaching comet.
That is why BASH Cellular
in conjunction with the United States Government
is creating a new hotline, free of charge, to answer all of your questions.
And who knows? Maybe, just maybe, one of our scientists…
Thank you, Sharon. Makes me feel so much better.
…can be that friend we all need to lean on during uncertain times.
Call 1-800-532-4500 for peace of mind.
Offer only available to BASH customers.
Details of your call may be shared with other subsidiaries
to enhance your customer experience. Data and roaming charges apply.
So, I thought he was the ambassador. I was just flattering him.
Well, he was a waiter. Now he's got an ego the size of Texas.
Oh, my God.
June, what, uh… What are you doing here, sweetie?
Had a feeling something was going on and just…
Well, you know, we're discussing important business.
- That's what we're doing. - Oh, yeah, that's really very important.
Oh, can we just skip past this part, please?
Where you get to feel self-righteous
and we put our tails between our legs. It is just so boring.
Oh, it's "so boring"?
You wanna skip the part where you feel bad for screwing my husband?
Oh… No, I don't feel bad.
Randall and I are having a wonderful time. So, I think the question is,
do we keep having a wonderful time or does he go back with you to Wisconsin?
Or Montana.
- Michigan? - Michigan.
You know, um… she is actually right.
That's the only question. So…
Well, June, sweetie…
Sometimes in life things are, you know,
they're complicated and they just...
Oh, okay.
Oh, that was fast, um…
Well, before I go, um,
let me just give you some instructions
on how to take care of Randall.
Uh…
Yeah, here's the Xanax he takes for his panic attacks.
Oh, gosh.
Here's the Zoloft he takes for the crashing depressions.
- Not so much recently. Okay, you know... - Oh! Oh, good for you. Great.
- Uh, this is for his blood pressure. - Ow.
- Restless leg syndrome, that's a fun one. - God.
Oh. Appetite suppressant to counteract the weight gain from his other meds.
And, uh, for America's sexiest scientist, a bottle of goddamn Cialis!
Ow! Gosh.
Goodbye. Goodbye, Randall.
I guess I'll just tell your sons
that Dad's fucking the lady on our television.
June, I…
I really thought for a second that was gonna work out.
People, they wanna manage the comet to create jobs.
Thirty-seven percent don't want the comet to hit.
That's actually down by three points.
And 23%, they don't think there's a comet at all,
and that number is way up.
Not Bitcoin, RatCoin. RatCoin.
I'd like to buy these sunglasses.
You that girl from live TV who said we're all gonna die?
No. What's your purchase?
What the fuck?
- Yeah, that's you. It's definitely you. - Yep, that's me.
Holy shit. You're a stone-cold legend. Word is bond.
I got a picture of you on my board.
Picture on his fucking board.
That's great. What's your purchase?
If you don't have one, get out of line and make room for other customers.
Can I touch your hair in a non-sexual way?
- Get the fuck away from me. - Oh, dude, have some… Um…
Call Diogo, he'll freak out. Will you say hi to my friend?
Dude, he's obsessed with you. We love you. We don't like…
Can't stand Orlean, either.
- Yo, yo, yo! - Yo!
What's up? Yo, check out…
Yo, shut the fuck up. Check out who we're with.
- Yo, bro! What up? - What up?
I mean, we have a purchase, but we don't have payment,
which is a metaphor on…
- Cash? - Also, Phillip, I've been told…
- Right. - …That you wrote a book
about your past relationship with Kate Dibiasky.
Funny you should say that, I'm working on that now.
It's gonna be called A Brush With The Devil, and it's, uh…
You calling security or something, with your eyes?
No. You're free to go.
- That sounds terrible. - Just like that?
You don't give a shit, do you?
Sure, I do.
I care about DrinkMo's guarantee of quality service.
Well, we don't give a shit either.
Not one single shit.
We hang and board behind the abandoned Burger Crown from 7:00 to whenever.
Yeah, we do.
You should come hang. If you're not a fucking pussy.
Oh, you know, it's me…
- Fuck. Okay. Thanks. - …And a bottle of scotch.
It's a joke. But also…
Okay, let me introduce you
uh, to mankind's savior, BASH Explore and Acquire Drone.
It's incredible.
It's incredible, isn't it?
I call this one Primo, the first.
It's like my first child.
Primo, my boy. It's your father, Cronos.
Don't be shy. Come on. You're gonna be a god in the sky.
Are you at all concerned about the sync on the BEAD explosions?
Oh, Doctor. There are always questions and fears, and…
I have a report here from a Dr. Inez.
- If you'd just take a look at this study. - Oh, thanks.
Listen, a lot of my colleagues,
they've either been removed or resigned from this project,
apparently for asking too many questions about this mission here.
So I just wanna make sure that you're…
That you're open to the scientific peer-review process
and you're not approaching this mission like a businessman.
- You know? That... - What did you say?
- I wanna know if you're... - Did you call me a businessman?
- You do own a corporate... - You think I'm just a businessman?
Do you think you know me, Doctor?
Business?
This is evolution. This is evolution of the human species.
- What are you doing bringing this… - Well...
You know that BASH has over 40 million data points on you,
on every decision you have made since 1994, Doctor?
I… I know when you have colon polyps
months before your doctor does.
You got four or five at the moment actually.
You know, they're not of concern, but I'd have a checkup as soon as you can.
But much more importantly than that, I know what you are. I know who you are.
My algorithms have determined eight fundamental consumer profile types.
You are a lifestyle idealist.
You think you're motivated by beliefs, high ethical beliefs.
But you just run towards pleasure and away from pain.
Like a… Like a field mouse.
I'm just trying to…
I just wanna make sure that the science is sound on this project.
I hope you understand...
Our algorithms can even predict how you'll die.
To 96… 96.5% accuracy.
I looked you up after we met.
Your death was so unremarkable and boring.
I can't remember the details, apart from one thing.
You're gonna die alone.
Alone.
If you'll excuse me, Madam President. I've got some work to do.
What the hell are you doing?
- My God. - I was trying to do my job.
You are just so lucky that Peter adores you.
You're with the grown-ups now, Randall.
I can't even follow this shit anymore!
BASH got Orlean to pay the Chilean government, if I'm correct,
$90 billion to let the tsunami hit off the coast of the country.
That sound right to you?
Isherwell built an underground bunker
for him and all his executives.
No, I heard that they built an escape ship.
You guys, the truth is way more depressing.
They're not even smart enough to be as evil as you're giving them credit for.
Ugh!
- What? - No.
Fuck! You're driving me fucking crazy, Kate.
Fuck it. We're all gonna die.
…movie will be released
the day that some believe Comet Dibiasky will impact the planet.
And the early word is it's already a classic, Brie.
Oh, yes. Well, and what a stellar cast.
- Devin. Yeah. - I love Devin Peters.
He's great. Everything he does.
- What's it called again? - It's called Total Devastation.
- It cost $300 million to make. - Whoo!
- I mean, these movies... - It's more than you earn.
Tell me about it. And my friend Farley, he saw it.
- He said it's a ton of fun. That's right. - Well, Farley likes it.
All right, well, what Farley says goes.
But, uh, first,
and yes, you can tell from my smile…
Stop it.
That America's sexiest scientist is here. Dr. Randall. Welcome.
Dr. Randall, how are you, sir?
I'm... I'm good. I'm gooder than good.
All right. So, Randall, we're hearing that there is no comet,
or that there is a comet but it's a good thing or maybe it's a bad thing.
We are so confused.
So, could you please help us out here, you know, oh, wise scientist?
Well, first and foremost, Brie, um…
…there most certainly is a comet.
All right.
And we know that there is a comet because we have the data.
Um…
There has been growing concern within the scientific community as of late.
You see, the peer-review process is absolutely essential…
- If BASH's stock… - …for us to get to the facts of… Yes?
If BASH's stock is any indicator,
we don't have to worry about the peer review.
It is going gangbusters.
And full disclosure. I bought as many shares as I could.
I advise you to do the same.
You are such a shameless capitalist.
Said the woman who will be in the brand-new hot tub on my back deck
- when I put it in from the stock. - You know me too well.
That's right.
Dr. Randall, you sure you're okay? You want a glass of water…
I don't feel so good.
So I think we'll go to commercial break...
No, Please, Brie. Don't cut away. Let me say something.
- Okay. - You came to the right place.
We like to say things.
Would you please just stop being so pleasant?
I'm sorry, but not everything needs to sound so goddamn clever
or charming or likeable all the time.
Sometimes we need to just be able to say things to one another.
We need to hear things.
Look, let's establish, once again,
that there is a huge comet headed towards Earth.
And the reason we know that there is a comet
is because we saw it.
We saw it with our own eyes using a telescope.
I mean, for God's sake, we took a fucking picture of it!
What other proof do we need?
And if we can't all agree at the bare minimum
that a giant comet the size of Mount Everest
hurtling its way towards planet Earth is not a fucking good thing,
then what the hell happened to us?
I mean, my God, how do... How do we even talk to each other?
What've we… What've we done to ourselves? How do we fix it?
We should have deflected this comet when we had the fucking chance,
but we didn't do it. I don't know why we didn't do it.
And now they're actually firing scientists like me
for speaking out, for opposing them.
And I'm sure many of the people out there
aren't even gonna listen to what I just said
'cause they have their own political ideology,
but I… assure you,
I am not on one side or the other.
I'm just telling you the fucking truth.
This would be a good time to establish
that Isherwell and the president have both said
that there's benefits to be...
Right, well, the president of the United States is fucking lying!
Look, I'm just like all of you.
I hope to God, I hope to God that this president knows what she's doing.
I hope she's got us all taken care of, but the truth is,
I think this whole administration
has completely lost their fucking mind!
And I think we're all gonna die!
Look, I just wanna go home.
I just wanna go home.
I just wanna go home more than anything.
But if there is one thing,
one thing that I pray…
That I pray that all of you hear from what I have just said,
is that all of us, all of us…
Why'd you do that?
I really liked you and I despise most people.
You know, I… I really thought I loved you.
Really?
Wow.
That's wild.
Yeah.
Ma'am, you need to go. We gotta get this man off the grid.
You still there?
No.
Well, maybe he just gets off on the power, you know,
like any kind of power.
It's like he knew eventually that I was gonna find out that the snacks were free.
- Right. - You know what I mean?
- Yeah. - So it was just like a power play.
Yeah, guys are weird.
I'm starting to think that all this "end of the world" stuff is bullshit.
It's not.
It's definitely happening. I've seen it.
I feel like if God wanted to destroy the Earth, He would destroy the Earth.
You believe in God?
Yeah, I mean, my parents raised me Evangelical,
and I hate them, but I found my own way to it.
My own relationship.
Hmm.
I'd appreciate it if you didn't advertise it, though.
I won't tell anybody. I think it's kind of sweet.
- Wanna make out? - Yeah, why not?
Can you not say "why not"? It makes me feel like you don't want it.
It's shitty.
- Sure, whatever. - That's better.
- Oh, my God, that's it. - What? What?
- That's the comet. - What? Where?
- Where? Uh-huh. - Well, that's the Big Dipper.
- That's Venus. That's the North Star. - Uh-huh.
- Well, what is that? - Oh, shit.
What the hell?
What?
Come on.
There it is.
There you are.
Is anyone else seeing this? That's it.
That's it. That's the comet. Look! It's right there.
- That's, you know, kinda scary. - Oh! Exactly.
- Dr. Mindy. - Kate.
Doc, you can see it.
I… I'm looking at it right now too. It's unbelievable. It's…
It's horrific and it's… And it's beautiful at the same time.
Oh, my God.
We've been trying to tell you.
We tried to tell you this whole time. It's right there. It's…
It's right there, Kate.
Where are you?
I'm in Lansing, Michigan
trying to fix things with June, but she won't talk to me.
- Where are you? - What the fuck?
I…
I'm gonna come find you, okay?
Well, I'm in Illinois. I could be ready by tomorrow.
- Dearest Father… - Yeah, I'm...
…as a sinner I come to You for Your grace and guidance…
They're finally seeing it.
There it is!
Go outside into your yard, onto a roof, onto your sidewalk,
and just look up into the sky.
The star's gonna appear fuzzy. It's got a long streak coming off of it.
That's the comet's tail.
It's real and it's coming.
If anyone tells you any different, they're full of shit.
Just look up into the sky.
It's a fucking fact.
- We have proof. - Just look up.
Guys, please just look up, okay? Screw the manatees and just look up.
Just look up.
- Just look up! - Just look up! Just look up!
Just look up!
Dr. Mindy, the president's plan to save Earth
and make it so we can all have a home is going to work, right?
Every single man, woman and child on this planet is going to die.
- I don't like him. He makes me sad. - I'm sorry about that.
- This is not what we rehearsed. - Kids, listen.
You tell your parents that President Orlean and Isherwell
are sociopaths and fascists!
And do you know why they want you to look up?
Do you know why?
'Cause they want you to be afraid.
They want you to look up
because they are looking down their noses at you.
They think they're better than you.
Don't look up!
They wanna rob you of your freedom, and that's a fact!
Don't look up!
The US president, Orlean…
Just look up!
…has not included India or any other nation in the world
to be a part of this mission.
This dude is a known pornographer named Kip…
Don't listen to that dumbfuck.
The United Nations have been considering its own deflective mission.
Just look up, for fuck's sake!
Now I know a lot of Hollywood is supporting the Just Look Up movement,
but I haven't seen a pin like that.
Yeah, this pin points both up and down.
Because I think, as a country, we need to stop arguing
and virtue signaling. Just get along.
- That is so refreshing. - Hmm.
I think we're all tired of the politics.
Yeah, yeah. Well…
That's why we made Total Devastation.
It's for everyone. You know? It's a popcorn movie.
You keep your eye on the road ahead, you put your head down.
And you put one foot in front of the other,
step by step.
Day by day.
- Don't look up! - Don't!
So we wanna say something loud and clear.
There is no safe way to bring this comet back to Earth
and exploit it for profit. It cannot be done!
Nations of the world, defy Orlean and BASH!
Launch your own nuclear deflection mission now and save this planet!
And now, uh, there's Riley Bina with her special guest.
I forgot the name. Thank you.
Is that a rock-solid ten smokeshow of a president or what?
If she wasn't my mother…
There's three types of American people.
There are you, the working class.
Us, the cool rich, and then them.
I'm sorry, but we need them.
We need them because you build us up to fight them.
The working class, the lower.
- You understand? - No, I don't get it.
Do you understand? I'm talking about…
I'm talking about nutritionists.
I'm talking about personal trainers,
people at the spa,
but not the ones that check you in and they're not the masseuses,
but they walk you down the corridor.
They're there…
- Divest from BASH when? - Divest now!
Divest from BASH when?
We will not be quiet!
Oh.
Hey, good afternoon, Adam. What do I owe the pleasure of this call?
What time?
Well, uh… Well, thank you for calling.
Um…
Yeah.
What?
Orlean and BASH cut Russia, India, and China
out of the rights for the minerals.
So they tried their own joint deflection mission,
but, uh… approximately 40 minutes ago,
there was a massive explosion detected at the Russian's Baikonur launch complex.
So it looks like the mission failed.
That's it?
What do you mean, "that's it?"
Teddy?
Right?
There is still the BASH mission. It's all we have now.
Fuck!
These Just Look Uppers
want millions of illegal Chileans to come across the border.
Don't look up.
The hell is that?
Fucking lied to us.
The president just texted me.
"Don't trip. It's all good. Don't trip."
Hey, now.
You cut my face, you fucking rednecks!
Man, there hasn't been a car in, like, an hour.
Yep. Everyone's watching the BASH launch.
What are we doing again?
I told you. We're, uh… We're gonna go buy some groceries.
The Mills Brothers. Great band. You know, Duke Ellington found this band.
I think they were originally called the Four Kings of Harmony.
"Till Then," this is the song. It's about, uh…
It's about soldiers going off to World War II
and thinking about home.
Listen to this part.
"Although there are oceans we must cross and mountains that we must climb…"
"I know that every gain must have a loss."
"So pray that our loss is nothing but time."
- Okay, I gotta ask you something. - What?
Dr. Mindy, can I be vulnerable in your car?
Yeah, go ahead.
I've never met anyone like you
and I feel a connection to you on a level that…
I don't know, I haven't felt with anyone else,
and going out on a limb,
but would you want to spend more time together?
Maybe even get engaged or something?
- Wow. - Are you laughing?
- No? - I'm smiling.
- Well, sure. - This is sweet.
- Why not? - This is pretty sweet.
And you read the tea leaves for Dr. Mindy.
- You showed him the algorithm. - Oh, yeah.
You really shook him with that information.
- How he was gonna die. - Yeah, it is shaking.
It got me so excited to know about my own death.
I don't think I wanna know. Yes, I do. I wanna to know.
You're gonna be eaten by a Bronteroc. We don't know what it means.
- A what? - A Bronteroc.
- Oh. - Okay, people, we have clear skies.
And we are a go for the BEAD launch.
Madam President?
Citizens of planet Earth. Now…
Look at this, Kate. They have wild salmon.
Look at the difference between that and the farm-raised stuff.
You see how that looks just… I don't know. Looks fake, right?
Hey, why don't you go find some, uh…
What are the little potatoes called, the tiny ones?
- Fingerling potatoes? - Yeah.
- I fucking love fingerling potatoes. - Let's get finger…
Do you wanna say something too?
That was beautiful. Yeah.
What up, world? Jason Orlean, uh, Chief of Staff, United States.
Um…
I've been noticing a lot of prayers recently for people during this time
and I commend that, um,
but I also wanna give a prayer for stuff.
There's dope stuff, like material stuff, like sick apartments and watches,
and cars, um, and clothes and shit
that could all go away and I don't wanna see that stuff go away.
So I'm gonna say a prayer for that stuff. Amen.
Just a quiet trepidation among this much smaller crowd.
I can hear the sounds of some people praying.
Okay, Anderson, let's go get it.
Yes, sir. Here we go, people.
Ten.
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,
five, four…
Hey.
Hi.
We, uh, got some groceries.
Yo, what was that?
We lost BEAD number 12.
BEAD number 22 failed to launch.
It's fine. It's fine.
We had anticipated a margin for error.
Everything is fine.
I was hoping we could, um, have a family dinner.
Hey, Dad.
- Hey, guys. Hey. - Hey.
What do you say?
Yeah.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
- This is, uh… This is Kate. - Oh, hi.
- Hello. Hi, Kate. - Let me grab those bags.
- Nice to meet you. I'm Yule. - Yule.
I'm FirePuma142 on Twitch. You game?
It's really doubtful she knows.
- You're right. - Who said I game?
I… I got these for you.
Thank you. That's really sweet, honey.
I'm so sorry. You have no idea.
- I really am. - I know. I know.
- I've missed you. - I missed you so much.
When we dated in college, I fucked Aaron Tran.
Oh?
Yeah, so, uh…
- That is really good. - Really good, right?
- Hey, everybody. - Hey!
- Sorry I'm late, but not empty-handed. - Hey, my friend.
Evan, Marshall, June, this is Dr. Oglethorpe.
BEADs have approached optimal escape velocity
and now approaching Comet Dibiasky and are ready for attachment mode.
Uh… Okay. All right.
Eight and 27 are lost due to lateral control malfunction.
Okay, so, now… Now, Peter…
Peter, we're six drones down. Is this thing still gonna work?
Well, the engineer's assured me that yes, 24 drones is enough.
Well, how many can we lose?
How many more?
We're being told that several of the BEADS have exploded on launch.
Got the head seat right there.
You're way too kind, Randall. Thank you.
Big Doctor.
Do you want more wine?
- Hey, cheers, everyone. Huh? - Cheers.
- Love you.
- Thank you so much for having us.
Thank you for being here.
- It's so special. - Thank you.
Commence simultaneous explosive separation stage now.
Yo. Yo. Mom.
Beautiful.
- Thank you, pal. - Yeah.
Yeah, it really is. And it's really good to have you home.
Dr. Mindy got really famous.
Oh. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.
That's right. Okay.
Yep, I was on, uh, magazine covers and everything. I know.
- You looked great. - I'll take your shots.
- I love you. - Love you too.
All right. We need a report.
Need a full status report on the explosive devices.
Get on it. Still waiting for a full status report.
All right.
President Qi of China says that the comet is still whole.
We got four misfires and sync was off.
It's still intact.
What was that?
We've got four misfires and the sync was off.
Okay. We're all fine. Everyone's fine.
It's gonna be all right. If you'll excuse me.
Nature calls.
I'm just gonna go to the restroom for a moment.
Yes, uh, I think that I should also step out
to the restroom for a moment.
- Should I… - No, I'll be fine.
Sir, the president.
We need to know what the mission status is.
She's coming right back.
Screw this. I'm going to see my husband.
I'm sorry. I've got a 20-year-old daughter. I've got to go see her.
I'm doin' an 8-ball.
Oh, shit!
She's coming. She's coming back.
Hello, there's a ship.
In case we were wrong, and clearly, we were wrong.
Of course you've got a ship.
It holds 2,000.
It's state-of-the-art cryo-chambers, and it's set to find
the nearest Earth-like planet in a Goldilocks Zone so…
Hmm.
There's room for you and one other.
Brie, your wife, your call.
I'm good, but thank you for the offer. You, uh… You have fun with Jason.
Jason?
Oh, shit.
She's coming back.
I'm thankful for that night I fell asleep out in the backyard.
- Woke up face-to-face with a baby deer. - I remember that.
- Yeah. - Yep. It was the best day of my life.
I'm grateful…
I'm grateful we tried.
Man, oh, man, did we try.
Well, we're not the most religious here in the Mindy household,
but, um, maybe we should say "amen"? Should we do that?
Don't look at me.
I don't know how to… What, you just say, "Amen"? I don't…
- I got this. - Wrap it up?
I got it.
Dearest Father and Almighty Creator…
…we ask for Your grace tonight, despite our pride.
Your forgiveness, despite our doubt.
Most of all, Lord…
We ask for Your love to soothe us through these dark times.
May we face whatever is to come…
…in Your divine will with courage and open hearts of acceptance.
- Amen. - Amen.
Wow. Youse got some church game.
That was beautiful.
The comet remains intact.
We just never…
Of course, there's only one story everyone's talking about tonight.
Topless urgent care centers.
Sit.
Or… we can fuck…
…or pray, or…
Honestly, I think I'd just rather drink and…
Talk shit about people.
You'll never take me alive!
Look out!
I'm definitely gonna have some more of this apple pie. It's so good.
It's actually store-bought, but you really can't tell.
If I'm to be completely honest, which at this moment, why not?
I actually like the junky taste of store-bought better than homemade.
You gotta be kidding me.
No, I'm not kidding.
You know what? I know what he means. It's like a childhood memory thing.
Nothing is better than homemade, right?
This coffee doesn't taste store-bought. Is it?
I grind my own beans. Yeah.
Yeah, Dad's kind of a coffee nut.
Every time you have coffee, you have to grind your beans?
Randall is very particular about his coffee.
I can get that way about tea.
Thing of it is, we really…
We really did have everything, didn't we?
I mean, when you think about it.
Hey, oxygen is actually higher than on Earth
by nine percent,
so you might feel a bit light-headed.
And cryo-chambers were 58% successful,
which is much better than anticipated.
Yeah, we only had 47 dead in our section, so…
I think this is gonna work out quite well. Quite well, indeed.
Goodness.
Look at that beautiful animal.
I wonder, are those feathers or are they scale...
- That's disgusting. - What is that thing?
I believe that's called a Bronteroc.
Uh… Whatever you do, don't pet them.
Fuck.
Mom?
Mom!
What's up, y'all?
I'm the last man on Earth.
Shit's all fucked up.
Don't forget to like and subscribe.
We out here.
Mom!
www.FilthyRichFutures.com